When the chips are down
A most difficult month
That viral Generative AI use case article on HBR has meant there are a lot of brand new readers of this newsletter than there were last month. And yet…in my first newsletter after switching to monthly…I’m writing a very personal note to you all.
My wife and I have just separated.
Once that was decided, a swarm of tribulations: shock, anguish, a collapse of self-identity, brand new, unwelcome logistical decisions and hard work, even harder decisions about the kids, and lots more that’s too personal even for this especially-personal post.
I’ve written before about how a system for making life more intentional is good for our mental health. Well, that claim was mightily put to the test! And it’s passing, so far. Even in the darkest moments of life, there are occasional shards of light. We need them most at these times. More concretely, while it’s been generally hard, in moments when the agony happens to subside just a little, I’ve noticed the relief and used it to invest in my future self, whom I know will be suffering again, lots and soon. I send him a message of guidance and help, in the form of what he should be doing and when—yes, that glorious gift unto the future, a timebox. And then, when the time comes, I have felt the light and warmth and help as it was intended. Remote and pale perhaps, but just what I need.
Suffering is stubborn. This unwelcome guest won’t just be ushered out. He leaves when he pleases. All we can do is take small steps to accept him for as long as he’s there. We can try but it may be too much to welcome him and entertain him, as Rumi advised. More concretely, we need to keep doing small, sensible things to help us in the long run. We all know what those are. For the most part, they’re very similar to what we should do when the chips are up—meditation, reading, exercise, learning, friends & family, etc. But the importance is amplified when the chips are down.
Even as things are inconceivably awful, invest a little in your future self so that you’ll emerge as that new, better, happier, more experienced self as soon as can be.
I did this. May was a month well spent.
I moved house. That’s a giant, emotionally and logistically fraught exercise even in the best of circumstances. But it’s done now. I’m very glad that it’s done.
As I mentioned last time, I’ve been studying Spanish properly for a couple of months now. I should have started before I came to Spain. I should have started soon after I got here. But failing both of those, I have now started. I’ve been going to Spanish school for two hours each weekday. The teacher is excellent and funny. There’s a rapport in the class. I set up a WhatsApp group for us. It’s a nice and novel feeling to be at school and not clock-watching. We get homework every day which almost always takes 30 timeboxed minutes to finish. I also have a lovely teacher in Argentina for more fluid, conversational Spanish. In eight short weeks, I’m now able (from a base of close to zero) to convey almost any thought I have, albeit with several errors and little finesse. Still, it’s gratifying progress.
I’ve been in the gym. Just for three hours a week—3 out of 168! A drop in the ocean. But it’s with an Herculean PT, Sam Williams (if you’re ever in Marbella and want to optimise your physique, your future self will thank you for being in touch with him), and hyper-intense and seems to be working. I’m stronger and healthier. I look and feel better. My 7am-Monday-Wednesday-Friday routine has unquestionably been worth it.
I’ve been playing padel tennis. What a lovely game! The angles, the fun, the aerobic exercise, meeting people. And it’s everywhere, all over Spain. It’s growing fast in the UK and US and across the world too. If you haven’t yet tried it, try it.
Unexpected opportunities have emerged. During this difficult period, several well-meaning friends have described to me the supposedly uplifting phenomenon of other doors opening as one door closes. It is a little irritating when going through a severe personal crisis to be handed a cliche as if it’s the answer. But, to wheel out another: cliches are cliches for a reason. And this one about doors in particular is true because the world is bursting full of change, always. Some of those changes will be unwelcome. Some will be like gold. But they’re coming even if they’re not yet visible on the horizon. I’m still working a day a week in an advisory role at Filtered. I’m also advising a stealth Sales x AI startup (more on that soon). I’m planning a stealth AI start-up of my own. And that HBR article mentioned at the top of this piece has brought a wealth of possibilities.
Much—most—of this was facilitate through timeboxing. Selecting the nourishing, healing activities when I had the wherewithal to do that. Putting them in the calendar. Doing them. And trusting the process.
So, I think I’m starting to emerge from the hardest period of my life. I suspect now that things will gradually improve further, albeit with the occasional setback. And I know that I’ve done everything I possibly could to make things better, sooner. That’s quite some comfort in itself.
Life is full of surprises. Sometimes those surprises will throw us down a dark hole. When that happens we need a consistent, reliable means of fortifying your future self with the little strength you have, when you have it. Thank goodness for timeboxing. It does its best work when the chips are down.
Marc
Links you may like
7 days of Timeboxing (the free email micro-course)
Timeboxing, the book (US)
Timeboxing, the book (UK)
Timeboxing, el libro (Español)
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